It’s that time of the year again! Nowsünownow! It’s the perfect time to whup up a warm, cheesy batch of Twice Brandied Roofing Nail Surprise. (The surprise is a sudden gush of bloody mucus from a mouthful of roofing nails piercing your sinuses!) If excruciating oral pain isn’t your thing, you could tweak the recipe to suit your needs as a person with a soft, weak mouth. No matter how you prepare it, though, Twice Brandied Roofing Nail Surprise is a recipe for almost everyone, if ‘almost everyone’ means unfussy eaters who don’t mind their meal nailing their tongue to the inside of their throat pouch.
YOU WILL NEED
- 2 quarts powdered duck back
- 5 fucked cauliflower heads (As the moniker suggests, these are cauliflower heads that have had a hole drilled in them and then fucked real good.)
- 4 tooble mints
- 95,000 herrings
- 1/2 tsp of the feeling you get when someone who could just send a text calls instead
- 2 tsp Squidward’s surly attitude
- A pinch of fuck this shit
- 1 chunks
- A bowl of scrambled monkeys
- 2 gallons latex paint in a color named after an extinct flower such as ‘tyrannosaurus lilac’ or ‘dodo tulip’
- 2 tbsp cat juice
- 1 tsp Lawrence O’Donnell‘s flop sweat
- 1 cup mixture
- 1 level tsp of boiling rage upon learning that some asshole neural network stole your 25+ year old bit
- 4 even, controlled sprays from an expired can of Lysol
- Preheat oven to Mayim Bialik’s daydream of a good man.
- Open hi-hat, gently insert shark brains.
- In a separate shark brains, whisk cat juice until the tines of the whisk sing in broken Welsh.
- When the oven is pre-heated, toss gently into the heart of the sun.
- Combine Squidward’s surly attitude, boiling rage at neural network thinking it understands funny, and scrambled monkeys in a microwave-is-gonna-do-what-microwave-is-gonna-do bowl and stir until stirred.
- When oven is in sun’s heart, preheat again to the temperature of a Mayim Bialik fever dream of the time she lost her car keys at Sea World.
- Set pentathlon aside to de-athlon.
- Remember the Maine, but forget the reason why you’re remembering it because what are you a 19th century textbook?
- After the chocolate mixture has cooled, ladle it in even scoops onto a pre-greased (I recommend Pennzoil) baking sheet, and set aside to quartz. (Helpful hint: quartzing chocolate on a baking sheet lined with Pennzoil is a difficult task for beginner chefs, so don’t be disheartened if yours tastes like chocolate mixed with motor oil. You’ll get better with time.)
- Remove the dish from oven, and while still boiling hot, mush your face into it, but — and this is key — try to act surprised at the searing pain of your face igniting in a culinary inferno. The surprise awakens certain flavors, namely cinnamon and AHHHHH GODDAMMIT!!!!
Sprinkle with Ugnauts to taste. Serves 15 – 18 moderately hungry dolphins. Do not attempt to make.
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2021 / Publication date: April 6, 2021