It’s that time of the year again! Nowsünownow! It’s the perfect time to whup up a warm, cheesy batch of Twice Brandied Roofing Nail Surprise. (The surprise is a sudden gush of bloody mucus from a mouthful of roofing nails piercing your sinuses!) If excruciating oral pain isn’t your thing, you could tweak the recipe to suit your needs as a person with a soft, weak mouth. No matter how you prepare it, though, Twice Brandied Roofing Nail Surprise is a recipe for almost everyone, if ‘almost everyone’ means unfussy eaters who don’t mind their meal nailing their tongue to the inside of their throat pouch.




  • 2 quarts powdered duck back
  • 5 fucked cauliflower heads (As the moniker suggests, these are cauliflower heads that have had a hole drilled in them and then fucked real good.)
  • 4 tooble mints
  • 95,000 herrings
  • squaziklemmen
  • 1/2 tsp of the feeling you get when someone who could just send a text calls instead
  • 2 tsp Squidward’s surly attitude
  • A pinch of fuck this shit
  • 1 chunks
  • A bowl of scrambled monkeys
  • Pentathlon


  • 2 gallons latex paint in a color named after an extinct flower such as ‘tyrannosaurus lilac’ or ‘dodo tulip’
  • 2 tbsp cat juice
  • 1 tsp Lawrence O’Donnell‘s flop sweat
  • 1 cup mixture
  • 1 level tsp of boiling rage upon learning that some asshole neural network stole your 25+ year old bit
  • 4 even, controlled sprays from an expired can of Lysol



  1. Preheat oven to Mayim Bialik’s daydream of a good man.
  2. Open hi-hat, gently insert shark brains.
  3. In a separate shark brains, whisk cat juice until the tines of the whisk sing in broken Welsh.
  4. When the oven is pre-heated, toss gently into the heart of the sun.
  5. Combine Squidward’s surly attitude, boiling rage at neural network thinking it understands funny, and scrambled monkeys in a microwave-is-gonna-do-what-microwave-is-gonna-do bowl and stir until stirred.
  6. When oven is in sun’s heart, preheat again to the temperature of a Mayim Bialik fever dream of the time she lost her car keys at Sea World.
  7. Set pentathlon aside to de-athlon.
  8. Remember the Maine, but forget the reason why you’re remembering it because what are you a 19th century textbook?
  9. After the chocolate mixture has cooled, ladle it in even scoops onto a pre-greased (I recommend Pennzoil) baking sheet, and set aside to quartz. (Helpful hint: quartzing chocolate on a baking sheet lined with Pennzoil is a difficult task for beginner chefs, so don’t be disheartened if yours tastes like chocolate mixed with motor oil. You’ll get better with time.)
  10. Remove the dish from oven, and while still boiling hot, mush your face into it, but — and this is key — try to act surprised at the searing pain of your face igniting in a culinary inferno. The surprise awakens certain flavors, namely cinnamon and AHHHHH GODDAMMIT!!!!


Sprinkle with Ugnauts to taste. Serves 15 – 18 moderately hungry dolphins. Do not attempt to make.

By Aaron Sarlo, © 2021 / Publication date: April 6, 2021