It’s that time of the year again: Queefster! That magical time of year when Queefus Christ comes back from the dead to hand out presents to good little boys and girls, such as chocolate and bags of bloody, chopped-off hooves. This year, why not celebrate by preparing this one-of-a-kind sumptuous feast for your loved ones! Or for yourself, if you’re unloveable. Either way, this humdinger of a recipe will make your taste buds rocket out of your face so fast that the universe, itself, will dissipate, and all energy levels will equalize in a future-soup of infinite blackness where entropy has no meaning. This ain’t your grandma’s Salisbury Queef!

 

YOU WILL NEED

• 1/2 cup of radishes
• 1/2 cup of different radishes
• 1/4 cup of Covid-11
• 1/4 cup of Covid-8
• 1 tsp of radish powder
• 1/4 tsp of antimatter (if no antimatter, matter will do in a pinch)
• 2 cups of radishes, not the same radishes as the other ones. New radishes.
• France
• 1/3 cup of radishes
• 1/2 rhombus

 

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Prepare France in a microwave safe bowl, preferably a 418oz Pyrex bowl, but any can be used so long as it is at least 416oz in volume and made of Pyrex.
2. Preheat oven to however hot it would have to be to cook France.
3. In a separate container from any I’ve mentioned before, place radishes, careful not to mix them with the hungry ghosts that are all around us. Queefus Christ! They’re so sad!
4. In a separater bowl, toss radishes. Have the funny realization to yourself, “Why isn’t the phrase ‘toss radishes’ a sex euphemism?” Promise to yourself that you’ll be the one to get that phrase going, as soon as you’re done cooking whatever the fuck this is.
5. When the oven is preheated, carefully place France inside, being extra cautious not to let it “fall” like a delicate cake or like France did in countless wars. If France “falls,” discard and use Canada. (Pro tip: Baking Canada can be tricky, as Canada technically has two official languages. Go ahead and bake that fucker in English and French. That way, your bases are covered. Better to need it and not need it than have it when you need it. Make sense?)
6. When this is all prepared, allow it to cool for 3 seconds. Then, brush your teeth with the antimatter. Shortly before all your molecules explode at the speed of light, note that you died alone. Probably because who could love you?

 

Sprinkle with f-bombs to taste. Serves a lot. Like, a whole lot. More than you thought it would. Do not attempt to make.