It’s that time of the year again, Nontember, the perfect time of year for a delicious baked treat straight from the sultry, forbidden heat of Grandma’s oven. These artisanal Rice Crispy Horror Squares are so indescribably bblllannasmmorfssing, you are guaranteed to snuggle up by the fireplace with your special someone, and slurp blood from the open neck wound of the head of your enemy.*



  • 12 family-sized boxes of Kellogg’s Rice Crispies (do not use any other brand, as the off-brand rice emulsions may cause the molten lava to congeal)
  • 2 cups of the nightmares of children (again, go with Kellogg’s)
  • A lot of gravy. Like, a lot.
  • A slinky
  • A Google search to explain to you what the fuck a slinky is
  • 2 quarts tarragon
  • 2 more quarts tarragon
  • Expired pumpkin meat
  • A zither (open tuning in G# — if zither unavailable, you can substitute 2 more quarts of tarragon)
  • Batman
  • WD-40 (if no WD-40, you can substitute 6 more quarts of tarragon)



  1. Preheat oven to 900,000,000,000 Kelvin.
  2. On a wooden cutting board, dice the WD-40.

Sprinkle with rice crispy squares to taste. Serves 6. Do not attempt to make.

*Not a guarantee


By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: January 7, 2020