Put down your mustache wax, pretentious asshats. Do I have an artisanal treat for you. Oyster S’mores! This fun, jaunty recipe is easy to make, and will technically feed your entire house since nobody will eat them.



  • 5 36oz cans of pre-shucked oysters in brine (type of brine optional)
  • A verbatim reprint of the Bhagavad Gita (preferably on parchment, but if parchment isn’t available, laser-etched into a car’s oil pan)
  • 2-3 small bags of thyme
  • 1/2 tsp of hominy
  • some flakes of something
  • powdered mule (try to find Kraft powdered mule if you can, they got the seasoning just right!)
  • 40 dimes
  • Graham crackers, etc



  1. Rotate your shoulders counter-clockwise until they are facing Mecca (or any large, urban center)
  2. Preheat oven to 90,000 Kelvin
  3. In an 82oz pyrex mixing bowl, dump oysters, the Bhagavad Gita reprint, and 1/2 of the hominy. Have the sudden realization that the oysters aren’t shucked, and then pick them out of the bowl and shuck them, being careful not to inhale any of the hominy, which is deadly poison
  4. When the oven is preheated, shave a soul patch into your taint
  5. In a separate 82oz pyrex mixing bowl, blend the powdered mule and dimes into a merengue and refrigerate for 6-8 weeks or until Björk comes to you in a dream and tells you that you look good in cowboy boots
  6. Last step: Enjoy! Oops! Don’t forget to wrap all this shit in a graham cracker and roast it on the end of a coat hanger or stick.


Sprinkle with a 1,200 pound block of magnesium to taste. Serves no one. Do not attempt to make.


By Aaron Sarlo, © 2019 / Publication date: December 10, 2019