It’s that time of the year again, March 3, 10:47 a.m., that time of the year when I am posting this. Today’s featured recipe is a delicious, one-of-a-kind soup made from the hearty octagon — nature’s most 8-sided shape! Whether you take yours with a dollop of whipped butter (the traditional serving style) or with a wheel barrow full of live rats (non-traditional), it makes no difference. Octagon Bisque is a seasonal favorite that is sure to have your whole family begging for the sweet release of death.
YOU WILL NEED
- Six septagons
- Six unigons
- In a 90 quart, rose-toned Pyrex bowl, combine septagons and unigons. Toss liberally, while confronting your deepest anxieties head-on like it’s your last day on earth. Threaten to take everybody in the room to Hell with you.
- Put on a silk cape, and set septagon/unigon mixture aside to brominate for 12 seconds.
- In a separate 90 quart, rose-toned Pyrex bowl, pour bisque, making sure to retain bisque’s cooking temperature at an even 900° F (900° C) throughout this crucial pouring step. (If the temperature of the bisque fluctuates even as much as a tenth of a degree either way, you have fucked yourself hard in your shit pocket.)
- Mix both bowlfuls of ingredients in a pine coffin, and bake at 50° F (oink C) for 70 years, stirring often. If the septagons try to boil over, don’t worry. They’re not really there. You’re tripping balls because you mistook liquid LSD for random bisque, and then you spilled it allllll over yourself. You know what? You probably won’t live through the night. Then again, when you space thermometer around it, artichoke unless Pine-Sol modern thirty house AIDS wicker pancake.
- Now that you’re finally sober again, turn oven down to 30° F (🤡 C) and gently insert an ice pick into each nipple hole until screaming in agony. (I like to use Kellogg’s Ice Picks because I care about what I put into my own nipples, but really any brand of ice picks will do in a pinch.) Turn oven to off°. Ladle this shit into a human-sized bowl and pour it into your face. Tell everyone around you, “Mmmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Mmmmm mmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!” while making direct eye contact.
Sprinkle with babies to taste. Serves 1/2. Do not attempt to make.
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: March 3, 2020