It’s that time of the year again, Killmetober! That time of year when you’ve been stuck in one location for six months, and time no longer has any meaning. What sumptuous dish could possibly bash your nascent depression in its fucking fontanels? Try Endomatrium Puffs! Or don’t try them! What’s the point of trying anything? We’re all going to die and be forgotten. Nothing goes better with staring into the vantablack void where a justification for human individuality should be than a fresh batch of endometrium puffs! Mmmmmm mmmm! Just… no!
YOU WILL NEED
- 1 cup chiffon
- 1 cup chiffoff
- a spool of yarn made from jackal hair
- all the Sue Grafton novels, arranged by order of you never having read them
- 2 tbsp of your TV remote, grated
- 1 1/2 cups of coyote meat, de-yoted
- 1 tsp saffron
- 1 tsp saffroff
- 100 lbs of baleen from a right whale in a wicker basket
- that thing you found in your grandpa’s attic that you’re pretty sure summons demons
- 1/2 tsp Blackhawk helicopter rotor (If you can’t find Blackhawk helicopter rotor because you live in a small town or because sharks ate your eyes, you can substitute for some other thing I’m tired of writing this weird sentence.)
- John Wick (The fictional person, not a copy of the movie. That would be stupid.)
- 1 cup waxon
- Preheat oven to whatever temperature you want — except 350° Don’t be an asshole.
- Place a copy of A Separate Peace by John Knowles on a clean, dry surface, and begin to knead. Knead thoroughly and evenly until you realize nobody is actually named Phineas. If you suddenly get the feeling that the narrator is a sociopathic murderer enshrouded in white privilege, you have kneaded for too long.
- Crack the snake eggs into a 750 gallon Pyrex dish, and whisk with a belt sander. Set aside.
- Think about what you’ve done. What did you do?? Grasp your head in your hands in abject despair.
- When the oatmeal cookies have cooled, say to yourself, “Where the fuck did those come from?” Pray to live a life of purpose. Or pray to visit Cheyenne, Wyoming. Whichever. Either is just as ludicrous.
- Back up and realize all religions are equal impediments to the future well-being of humanity, and then shhhhhh……. It’s going to be ok. People are allowed to have opinions, even if they don’t line up perfectly with your own.
- When the snake eggs have fully snake egged, pour into a food processor and set to “process.”
- Rub saffroff and waxon into right whale baleen (If Walmart doesn’t sell right whale baleen in your town, it’s ok to substitute with center right whale baleen, but be advised you will be able to taste the difference in party fidelity.)
- Cook the fucking shit out of everything.
Sprinkle with hot dildos to taste. Serves as many people as you think might eat this. Do not attempt to make.
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: October 6, 2020