It’s that time of year again, Spummer — when it’s supposed to be Spring, but everything’s on fire already. I blame Al Gore. That motherfucker invented the internet, and then went and gave us Climate Change. The Gore giveth, and the Gore taketh away, I guess. Anyway, Spummer means it’s time for frozen treats, and these Chambered Nautilus Pops will have your whole family shouting, “HOT BUTTERED FUCK, MOM??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE SUPPOSED TO BE??”



  • 6 weird things
  • Kellogg’s kelloggs. (If they don’t have Kellogg’s brand, you can substitute with General Mills kelloggs, but you will definitely notice a difference in molecular geometry.)
  • 2 life-sized portraits of Mrs. Doubtfire
  • 1/2 thing of raspberries, sloped
  • 10 quarts of liquid polyurethane (can substitute brewers yeast)
  • 1 ground beef muffin, evenly muffined
  • A new Social Security Number
  • 1/2 a ship anchor



  1. Surgically remove your own thyroid and implant 1/2 a ship anchor in the gaping wound.
  2. Scroll up and look at that gif of me. Ask yourself, “What the fucking hell is wrong with that dude?” Scroll back down, and read the following two sentences: Suck my dick, amigo. It’s even more fucked up actually being me.
  3. Preheat tungsten to hot.
  4. Remove tungsten from hot, and set aside to cool beneath a continual spray of Febreze Heavy Duty Pet Odor Eliminator.
  5. Feel nostalgic for a time when you weren’t reading this.


Sprinkle with Jason Bourne movies to taste. Serves 46. Do not attempt to make.


By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: May 5, 2020