It’s that time of year again, June. That time of year when it’s fucking June. Why not celebrate this year by setting your face on fire with a welding torch? And when the cartilage in your nose has cooled down to a crisp 400°, you will want to enjoy a summer treat! Whooooaaa, Motherfucker, Whoa à la King is an old Sarlo family recipe that pre-dates the cooling of the earth. Somehow, this recipe has stood the test of time — even though no one knows what the fuck it is, and when you finally do succeed in making a batch of Whooooaaa, Motherfucker, Whoa à la King, you have inadvertently sterilized your entire family due to the 50 pounds of plutonium that is required for the dough to rise. Mondays!… Am I right?

 

YOU WILL NEED

[DRY INGREDIENTS]

  • 50 pounds of plutonium
  • a copy of the Magna Carta autographed by Will Smith
  • 18 baby teeth from the revolutionary war (if you can’t find revolutionary war baby teeth, you can substitute baby teeth from any just war)
  • 2 quarts brewers staples
  • 1/2 tsp ghost secrets
  • an umbrella you have named Mr. Toffeebottom
  • some goddamn shit

 

[WET INGREDIENTS]

  • goafer plasma
  • the Caspian Sea
  • 2 tbsp whale semen (if you can’t obtain whale semen, wear something sexier. try laughing at its jokes.)
  • slüüüüüünk

 

INSTRUCTIONS

  1. In a tuba, mix 40 lbs plutonium and ghost secrets. (Set aside extra 10 lbs plutonium for garnish.) Stir with bare hands, as sparks from metal utensils may ignite the tuba’s brass shell, instantly melting everything within a 10 mile radius
  2. Find a group of school children (preferably happy), walk up to them and yank your own head off. Do your best to lob your own decapitated head at them. Extra points if you can make your head cackle like a cartoon witch.
  3. Preheat oven to NOOOOOOOOO° F (YEEEEEEESSS° C). Soon as you hear ghost secrets bubbling forth from the tuba-plutonium mixture (I murdered a guy once… I never got to go to Paris…, etc), pour all ingredients into a 20 gallon pyrex baking dish, and turn oven down to nooo° F (yeess° C)
  4. When slüüüüüünk has successfully narfed, set aside in wooden bowl. Use a wooden bowl to avoid over-narfing, as over-narfing can lead to ppfffarrrnnnarrrnarrr, which, of course, is toxic
  5. Stare at your reflection in a head of lettuce you have buffed into a makeshift mirror. Notice the daily withering of your once supple young flesh, and quietly grieve by eating an entire box of Ho Ho’s, for you are truly suffering.
  6. When oven dings, say to yourself, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??”

 

Sprinkle with pumpkins to taste. Serves Ron Howard’s as-yet-undiscovered conjoined twin that’s attached to one of his kidneys. Do not attempt to make.

 

By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: June 2, 2020