It’s that time of the year again! Gravydroughtpril! That time of the year where everybody notices all of the sudden that there ain’t no damned gravy anywhere! Don’t be caught with dry food such as baked chicken or Saharan wood ash biscuits (recipe to come). When life gives you dry dinner, it’s time to whup up a batch of grandma’s quantum gravy. What makes it quantum? The fact that it’s so fucking small? Maybe. Or is it because I pulled this recipe title out of my asshole? Only grandma knows for sure. Also, please tell your grandma to stay out of my ass. She keeps leaving the remote in there, and every time I fart my tv switches over to Storage Wars. This ain’t your grandma’s quantum gravy!
YOU WILL NEED
- A 20 funpack of fleet enemas
- 6 yards of virgin corduroy fabric
- 2 cups lime sherbet (If the store doesn’t carry sherbet, it’s ok to substitute with sherbert, but you may notice the unmistakable flavor of superfluous letters. You can correct for this with a pinch of suicide, but I don’t recommend it. Go to another store that values your existence.)
- 1 1/2 tbsp clown vapor
- 3 pounds Peruvian capybara fur (Please note that shearing a Peruvian capybara is not for the uninitiated. Many first-timers lose 8-9 fingers in the process. Take caution, and be wary for angry capybaras growling in broken Spanish, “God damn all your fucking fingers, you white devil. I’m going to eat them until I’ve shit both your hands!” It’s a good idea to know Spanish and not be white, as 99% of capybaras are discriminatory against Europeans.)
- 1 sumbitch
- 1 10 oz package of Betty Crocker No-Bake Butterscotch and Chipotle Cookie Mix
- 12 lbs
- Preheat oven to impossible
- In a separate bowl, place Ayn Rand’s ashes, and gently fold in out-of-touch white hypocrisy until Rand is objectively deader than fuck.
- While the rotisserie chicken is spitting hot juices all over the inside of the oven, dice dove hearts
- Pour package of Betty Crocker No-Bake Butterscotch and Chipotle Cookie Mix into a 90,000,000,000,000,000 oz Pyrex bowl. Remove all butterscotch chips and set aside for later use.
- It’s later now, so shove those butterscotch chips all the way up your ass. Every last butterscotch. Up your ass.
- Shake small vial of clown vapor vigorously for 20 hours.
- After oven has successfully… you know… hotted… put all that stuff in there and bake at hot for length of time. Don’t set a timer unless you’re a chickenshit bitchface, and then I guess set two?
- When your flaccid, ineffectual, self-second-guessing timer(s) ding, get that shit out of there! It’s hot, you idiot.
Sprinkle with two gallons of skunk musk to taste. Serves some. Do not attempt to make.
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2021 / Publication date: July 6, 2021