It’s that time of year again, right now, the perfect time to get a basket of puppies drunk and then have them lick your puffy genitals until you explode like one of Elon Musk’s weird rockets. He named his kid after the sound dial-up Internet makes. That’s pretty fun. Also fun? Eating a fresh batch of delicious Puppy Loaf, a dish which might sound off-putting at first, but is actually nothing more than a savory treat made from seasoned ground puppy beef squeezed into a loaf. An American tweak on the seasonal German dish, Slotterpöoch, Puppy Loaf is so scrumptiously nightmare-inducing it’s sure to have your finicky kids weeping salty tears of parental betrayal and vomiting wet balls of half-digested puppy for days!
YOU WILL NEED
- a bag of puppies, preferably adorable
- 2 fluid ounces of liquid
- 10 cords of petrified pine (if you can’t find petrified pine because of the pandemic, inject 500 cc’s of bleach into your dick vein. Or don’t. Whichever. But, if you do inject bleach into your dick vein, be sure to be facing Mecca.)
- 1/2 cup chipotle celery
- a bucket of something really, really special
- an a cappella rendition of the theme from Inception, which you will soon realize is just people singing “BWWWWOOOOOMMMMMMMM”
- 1/4 tsp turmeric plasma
- 3 shipping containers of cherry tomatoes
- Winona Ryder that one time when she was at some award show or something and she looked all wigged out
- 2 tbsp fuck weevils
- Idahoink (If you can’t find Idahoink, DO NOT substitute with the similarly named Idaho Inc., as that is where white people are made, and you definitely don’t fucking want any of that.)
- them other shits
- Preheat oven to Are we doing this again?
- Carefully, CAREFULLY separate puppies into two bowls labeled “cuddlin’ puppies” and “eatin’ puppies.” When all puppies are separated into bowls, brutally and repeatedly punch the bowl marked “cuddlin’ puppies” because your dad didn’t love you. How could he? Look at how you treat puppies.
- In a pre-designated chamber of magma, sprinkle chipotle celery, but be on the lookout for any errant bad stalks and pieces. You can tell that celery has gone bad because it has turned into a gray paste with a very unpleasant taste that can make you vomit for 72 hours straight if you mistakenly eat four large bowls of it the other day.
- When oven is preheated to ‘Jesus… Fuuck… Ok, let’s do this again I guess??,’ place award show addled Winona Ryder near it, and tell her the oven is a robotic vulture sent from the future to peck out her eyes. See if that closes them a little so she doesn’t look so wigged out. Say it genially to her, not threateningly. She’ll get it.
- Open 92 umbrellas of varying colors and sizes upside down and scoop Oinklahoma into them — BUT do it nice. ……………………….. Nice, you fuck.
- When your throat pouch has turned iridescent, it’s time to find a mate! (If you can’t find a mate, try being someone else.) Once you find your potential mate, be sure to wow him or her with a bawdy display of shitting yourself again and again while screaming at the top of your lungs, and lunging at them very, very violently.
Sprinkle with bat dicks to taste. Serves a fucking FUCK TON OF PEOPLE. Like, maybe more people than you can feasibly imagine. Do not attempt to make
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: September 1, 2020