It’s that time of year again, GoddammitLarryember! It’s that time of year you think is named after the Spanish verb for ‘to wash,’ but is really named after the commonplace practice of yelling, “GODDAMMIT, LARRY!!” because it’s so fucking hot outside all the time. I mean… honestly… Have your nipples ever sweated this much? I know mine haven’t. They’re usually drier and more shriveled up than a nun’s asshole. Wait… What was I talking about again? Oh, yes! Let’s get some mercury into your kids! Also, have you seen Matt Damon lately? Woof!
YOU WILL NEED
- 5 gallons of all-purpose mercury
- 1 bay leaf
- a fat cock that really knows what areas to hit when it gets up in there
- a thing of unsalted butter
- 3 tbsp brandied rat taint
- an audiobook of Tom Clancy’s ‘The Sum of All Fears’ on cassette
- 2 tbsp clarified pelican blood
- 8 quarts of atoms, separated
- 1 cup Pope
- In a non-stick submarine, dice bay leaf, remaining careful not to dice it into more than two parts
- Melt the entire thing of unsalted butter in the accretion disc of a non-stick black hole, and then add 60 pounds of iodized salt (you can use un-iodized salt – more commonly known as intense gamma ray bursts straight to your face – but if you don’t get iodine in your diet, your patellas will explode, and then you’ll need to get replacement patellas, and if you haven’t shopped for replacement patellas recently, trust me, you will shit a wolf when you see how expensive patellas have gotten. I mean, it’s fucking stupid out there.
- Preheat oven to that warm feeling you get when you wake up in a pile of 19-year old men
- Inject pelican blood into your genitals, and shortly afterwards, say to yourself, “Oooooo… there it is.”
- Unspool half of Tom Clancy’s ‘The Sum of All Fears’ into a microwave safe bowl (8oz – 6800oz size) and set aside to further “Clancy” for at least 2 six months (helpful hint: You will know when it is done “Clancying” when your late-middle-aged father puts on a pair of aviator sunglasses and/or starts using the word POTUS in conversation)
- Once oven is preheated, preheat five more ovens
- Wade into a nearby apartment pond and demand to be taken seriously; point at people who are videoing you with their phones and say, “This guy knows what I’m talking about!”
- Rotate Pope
- Finally, jam fat cock into your safe space
Sprinkle with quiet shame to taste. Serves an abundance of living creatures, but not platypuses. Fuck those pricks. Do not attempt to make..
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date:August 4, 2020