It’s that time of the year again, Whyisaarondoingthisuary! It’s that special time of the year when we ask ourselves as a nation, “Wait… Is Aaron just going to keep writing these mentally deranged and idiotic ‘recipes’ until he’s dead??” [A very hearty yes, America.] Why not celebrate this Whyisaarondoingthisuary by whupping up a fresh batch of Honey Glazed Surgery Scraps Brownies! Watch with glee as your family gets three chews into one of these scrumptious num nums, and feel a sense of pride when the color drains from their faces as they confront the hard truth that they are now cannibals. These brownies are gluten free, low sugar, and about as delicious as a brownie full of human meat can be. These ain’t yo granny’s honey glazed surgery scraps brownies!*
YOU WILL NEED
- 1 gallon tarragon
- 3 green onions, cut the fuck up (and I mean cut THE FUCK up)
- 1 8-foot-long, solid lead novelty submarine
- 2 tbsp powdered Chernobyl ‘elephant foot’ (If your store doesn’t carry powdered Chernobyl ‘elephant foot,’ you can substitute with with a CD copy of Enya’s The Memory of Trees.)
- 1 cup un-programmed pixels from the failed Baby Pac Man franchise
- 1 1/2 cups leftover tinkles from Bjork’s Vespertine
- An imaginary chainsaw that has a silencer on it so you can fell trees in relative tranquility
- Google Glass
- 1 sprig of pig mint (If pig mint is rare in your area, stop binge-watching Friends. That show was never funny — not even once, not even accidentally — and it was creepy and weird.)
- A light dusting of 6,000 metric tons of cadmium
- Preheat oven to ‘Randy Quaid sex tape’
- In a separate bowl, mince Vespertine tinkles until the lyrical content begins to make you feel… uncomfortable
- In an unrelated Björk, gently fold in powdered Chernobyl ’elephant foot.’ Be very careful not to over fold due to maximum possible radiation content. Wear goggles!
- Spin counterclockwise at 18,000 rpm for 45 minutes (or until uncontrollably projectile vomiting) and then immediately try to run in a straight line
- Remove the goose from the oven and baste with repeated throat punches
- When the over has reached Randy Quaid hotness (or approximately -20,000 K), stir mixture until it thickens to the same viscosity of the center of a neutron star, but no thicker!
- Milk iguanas until they fall asleep purring
- Mold a papier-mâché bust of Copernicus but make him frowning angrily as though he is late for an important meeting and someone fed his car keys to a goat.
- In a separate hollowed-out human cadaver, whisk hibiscus flowers until they “bloom.” (In culinary speak, when flowers are whisked for baking preparation, they take on a very light, wispy shape that chefs call “blooming.” The texture is not unlike octopus ejaculate.)
- When all ingredients have—whoops recipe done, my doctor just walked in.
Sprinkle with candied rooster testicles to taste. Serves 275. Do not attempt to make
*Unless your granny baked human flesh into her desserts
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2021 / Publication date: May 4, 2021