Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, loser. This year, don’t sit at home repeatedly masturbating until you ejaculate tiny little puffs of air. It’s 2020, a whole new decade for you to fail in! Get out there and meet that special someone, and when you do, bring them back to your place, and prepare this artisanal dish for them over candlelight, and while huffing gasoline out of a MAGA hat. If they don’t grant you all-access, backstage passes to their no-no parts after dining on this delicacy, then you are probably unspeakably ugly. Also the MAGA hat probably isn’t helping. Just sayin’.



  • 1 recently made bag of dumplings (the bag must be fresh, the dumplings can be from whenever)
  • 1 level cup of narwhal tusk
  • 1 poster of a kitten hanging from a tree branch, and the kitten is saying “AAHHHH!! OH, GOD! OH, GOD! AHHHAHHHH!!!! HELP MEEE!!!!” in cute bubble letters
  • James Cameron’s urethra (If James Cameron’s urethra is unavailable, you can substitute with aardvark assholes.* This recipe requires one tablespoon of aardvark assholes, but in America they only sell aardvark assholes in 40 pound bags for whatever reason. Pro tip: Check the European aardvark asshole market. I have occasionally been able to buy aardvark assholes in what are known as 25-deciliter “Continental Tubs.” They’re perfect, they last forever, and the packaging is adorable. It has a picture of a cartoon aardvark wearing a little beret, standing by the Eiffel Tower, and his ass is gushing blood because some poacher stabbed off his asshole



  1. Preheat oven to There-Is-No-God
  2. Prepare tacos in a pewter bedpan, making sure to grind the cornmeal until the atoms deteriorate and neutrinos fly at your face at the speed of light. Pause and ask yourself, “Why am I making tacos?”
  3. In another oven, place oven.


Sprinkle with irradiated moose antler to taste. Serves 2-900. Do not attempt to make.

*Diabetics, aardvark assholes are high glycemic foods. James Cameron’s urethra is low glycemic.


By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: February 5, 2020