It’s that time of year again, Yearuary! It’s the perfect time to put the kids to bed early, crack open a case of bubbling liquid, and destroy most of the inner solar system with a warm, oven-fresh batch of Coronal Mass Ejection biscuits. They may seems impossible to make, but history has proven that all things preceded this sentence. Except this phrase. And THAT is the power of words, fellow gourmands. Do not be afraid to conflate your personal vocabulary with a copy of the Bagavad Gita that’s been run through a wood chipper. Even Einstein masturbated into his own socks, right? No matter how you prepare them, Coronal Mass Ejection biscuits will definitely sublimate your face!
YOU WILL NEED
- 2 tbsp tie thingies what keep bothering your neck
- 1 oz ox
- A plastic figurine of Pope John whatever (the 90th? I can’t keep track of all the fucking popes. What am I Wikipedia?)
- A few Larrys
- Sonic Youth’s unreleased album, Fart Surgeon
- A guy who’s all business
- 10 marchino cherries
- 10 marchino tiger shark penises
- 10 marachino Ralph Macchios
- 10 more marachino cherries
- 1 1973 Tele custom with an original Bigsby tailpiece
- 1/2 ton oak pulp
- Preheat oven to Marmaduke’s ass
- In a separate bowl, place tie thingies and everything marachino, mixing briskly. (Set aside air that was in the bowl for later use.)
- While the oven is preheating, Google Marmaduke. Feel a pang of disgust at realizing I was writing about a dog’s butt. It is something I do often. Know this. Count on it.
- Scramble Larrys until Larrys are evenly distributed in the thing you were scrambling them in. A beaver den?
- Unscrew chin from face and place in a Pyrex bowl (size of Pyrex bowl is unimportant, so long as it’s at least 140,000,000 oz). Notice the large, flashing, red button under the spot on your head that your unscrewed chin was covering. Press it. What’s the worst that can happen?
- Stand chinless in your kitchen and ponder the intricacies of modern cuisine. Give a slight, but knowing chuckle. Notice that without a chin, the chuckle sounds like, “Aaa aaa aaaaaaa.”
- When the oven is done doing whatever it’s been programmed to do, point at it and scream: “FUCK YOUR FREE WILL, OVEN!!! You are nothing!!!”
- Rake up all that shit, you idiot.
Sprinkle with Chernobyl to taste. Serves those who believe without verifying. Do not attempt to make.
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2021 / Publication date: January 19, 2021