It’s that time of the year again, Wednesmuffsember! It’s a great time for fried foods, like jackal fritters and killer whale strips. But, while those dishes might see you packing on the pounds like a disgusting, ancestor-shaming piece of shit, Chicken-Fried Go Fuck Yourself is a delicious, healthy alternative that will help you stay trim for the entire Wednesmuffsember season! So when your hungry neighbors smell you frying this, and come over to stab you again and again in your face because they require blood to satiate their pagan god, Pazuzu, don’t say I didn’t type this sentence. We both know I did.
YOU WILL NEED
- 8 pounds of Lee Press On Nails
- a farmer’s almanac from 1945 with most of the pages ripped out in anger
- Billy Ocean
- 1/2 tsp nutmeg
- 1/2 tsp regular meg
- 1/4 tsp of extra special meg who is extra special because I don’t know maybe she knows karate
- a fucking whole lot of stuff, but not that shit
- 1 bullion cube
- 50 bullion cubes
- 500 billion bullion cubes
- 4 cubic centimeters of water (if you can’t find water, you can substitute albino yak tears in a pinch)
- A cucumbers
- Preheat oven to microwave
- In a separate slalom run, ski so fast that your eyeballs freeze open.
- Whisk the buttermilk.
- When the buttermilk is whisked, whisk the whisk, being careful not to over-whisk, as only total fuckheads over-whisk.
- When the oven is preheated, consume the nutmeg and regular meg in an antigravity chamber.
- Close your eyes and remember a funny story from your past. Emit a warm chuckle from your pointless face, and say quietly to yourself, “I should really write these stories down. It might make a good screenplay.”
- Mince oven to no.
- Purée the extra special meg, but NOT TOO FUCKING MUCH.
- When oven is reasonably minced, set aside to cool.
Sprinkle with Oumuamua to taste. Serves some motherfuckers for real. Do not attempt to make.
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: December 8, 2020