It’s that time of the year again, Toyotathong, that special time of year when people jam cars up their ass cracks. You know what would be a perfect tasty treat for Toyotathong? Anything! But, also, Broccoli and Baby Otter Face Casserole — a dish so orifice-watering that a single serving can water 125 orifices (215 child orifices). While most store-bought Broccoli and Baby Otter Face Casserole contains very few baby otter faces (because baby otter faces – particularly organic ones – can be very pricey!), this recipe calls for extra-virgin baby otter faces. So, try not to fuck any of the baby otter faces on your way home from Wal-Mart.
YOU WILL NEED
- a thermometer that tastes like powdered eggs
- 14 very, very large onions
- a Blu-Ray of the 2015 Best Picture winner, Spotlight
- 1/2 tsp foxglove
- 1/4 tsp foxpants
- 1/2 tbsp human remains from the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster (if no human remains from Space Shuttle Challenger, you may substitute human remains from Space Shuttle Colombia disaster, but they won’t taste as well-remembered)
- one medium onion
- two medium onions
- one medium onion
- three medium onions
- Henry Cavill’s incredibly sexy penis that makes you sigh involuntarily when you didn’t realize you were thinking about it and also probably smells like lavender
- Open the package of Henry Cavill’s penis, and shiver involuntarily. Allow the sweet, forbidden aroma to dominate the kitchen the way a hungry wolf dominates a tiny bunny. Are you scared, little bunny? Awwwww…. your little heart is beating so fast!
- Notice that there is a small thread in your mouth, and tug on it until you have unraveled your head and torso into a Radio Flyer wagon
- In a separate Radio Flyer wagon, mix Spotlight, foxglove, foxpants, and one onion. Set aside to go “DAAAAMMMMNNNNN” a bunch of times
- Preheat oven to 90,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Kelvin. (Be sure to set a timer on the stove so you know when the oven is preheated, as sometimes preheating an oven to 90 octillion Kelvin can take 75,000 years. My grandma used to work on a small project while waiting for her oven to preheat, such as reading a book or repeatedly writing hate mail to 1970’s actor, Ned Beatty.)
- When your oven is finally preheated, it’s time to place your ginger balls into a nest of baby copperhead snakes! (Fun fact: When baby copperhead snakes bite down on your balls, they DO NOT let go! You literally have to snap their little heads off, but by that time, they’ve emptied their teensy venom sacs into your testicles, and your balls have denatured into a sorta nut soup sloshing around in your ball bag like spaghetti spilled in a plastic grocery bag, and you’re screaming and screaming because of the searing pain, and then you die, and your spirit floats out of your body, out of your home, across the countryside, and accidentally into a jet turbine.)
- Insert IUD deep into nasal cavity so that your new boyfriend with the “sexy” tattoo sleeves can come up your nose without you worrying about sinus babies
Sprinkle with Colgate Whitening Strips to taste. Serves the servant. Do not attempt to make.
By Aaron Sarlo, © 2020 / Publication date: July 7, 2020